I'm not Mine

I haven't always been overweight. In fact, for maybe half of my life, I was actually underweight! Unlike the type who eat when stressed or depressed, I would punish myself by not eating. Or at least, eating less.

When driven, I also forgo eating. In my late teen years, I discovered how I loved to write, and I would sometimes not eat until I finished my story.

Funny thiing was, all that time, I saw myself as fat, beause my tummy was fat. My waistline went from 24 to 26 in the first four months of college life, and I imediately started calling myself fat. It took a long, long time before it climbed up to 27, but because I wasn't a 24, I felt I was fat.

How misguidedly obsessed can a girl be?

It was during this time of establishing my identity that I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ. But I didn't understand the fullness of that decision for a while. I thought that simply meant that becasue of Christ, I am now forgiven, saved, and going to heaven. I didn't see that HE would want to be involved with me right here, right now.

But He did. His unconditional acceptance helped me become more forgiving of myself, and of others who hurt me. I felt Him saying that if He cared enough about the details of creation, He would also care about the details of my life. I started involving Him in all my decisions, including what to wear for the day.

And my friends all told me I had a nice sense of style.

I also stopped worrying about my waistline. I still thought of myself as fat, but it didn't matter too much. I WAS ACCEPTED. I began to look at myself realistically. In my mid-twenties, I was still a size 26, about 115 pounds, doing a bit of weight training and some aerobics. I wasn't beauty queen material, but I knew I wasn't unhealthy.

Then I met Irl.

We were friends who enjoyed hanging out together. Over food. Our favorite hang-outs were Magoo's and Wendy's. We met in 1992, started hanging out in '94, went steady in '96, got engaged in '98, got married in '99.

I had grown by that time to size 32 and 142 pounds. I saw myself as bulgy and being all curves...somehow he still saw me as hot.

We were married in March. In May of that year, I saw a woman I sang and served with, who had always been wider than me, looking like a college girl! It was then that I learned about The Zone diet. I started it, felt better on it. and by the time I was discovered to be pregnant in March the next year, I was down to 132.

It was only a year after my second pregnancy that I started to work on my weight loss. But I needed a motivation bigger and longer-lasting than a medical scare or a media standard. The Zone eating I kept up, and I had read A Week in the Zone, which was a lot more layman-ish, with a simpler "eyeball" technique to balance your food portions.

Maybe I'll review the books I've read here. They've all contributed to my knowledge and enjoyment of my uniqueness that God has created.

God. As I prayed about a motivation, He brought me to two passages in the Bible:

"Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. You are not your own, you have been bought with a price."

"The wife's body does not belong to her alone, but also to her husband."

Simply put, I'm not mine.

With this realization came the motivation I had long been searching for. Love, not just responsibility. I belonged to the two who had loved me so much they gave their lives to be with me, One way more than the other, of course. It was--IS for them that I should stay and make sure I stay fit, healthy, and yes, sexy.

It's a slow process for me. I've been unable to make a dent in my weight in the past years. It was only this year that I finally broke 140. I am presently 136. I'm aiming for 120. I know some slimming salons would demand that at 5'1" I should be 105, but I didn't like myself at that weight. I felt I was my most alluring at 115--when I first caught Irl staring at me in a not-so-friend-like manner. I was wearing shades, so for all he knew I was looking at something behind him...hehehe...^_^

So I continue my journey, now with this group. Belle Today. I love this name. Beautiful Today. It's not just about watching my weight for me. It's about being beautiful for my hunky human husband and my Maker who is my divine heavenly Husband. Not because they don't think so, but because they SAY so! No, they're not telling I should be beautiful, they tell me I AM beautiful!

How can you resist being beautiful for love like that?