I am now currently a facing a new challenge in my life.  My live in partner moved out a week ago and I am totally devastated.  I dunno where to pick myself up now.  We were together for 10 years, been living together for 8 years and just had the chance to finally be independent as a "family" (we have 2 kids) last November.  We were supposed to have our 10th year anniversary last July 9th but something came up and he left two days before that.

I'm not sure exactly what went wrong with the relationship.  He wouldn't say to me clearly.  He just said he's very confused and needs time and space.  There seemed to be no way for me to stop him from moving out so I tried not to force it.  We've been very casual and civil with regards to the kids.  It would have been a lot easier if not for them.  But I love my kids so much to even think of regret.  They bring me the most happiness.

I've been crying a lot and thinking a lot lately.  I dunno how to start my life without the one person who's been around for so long.  I can't say we had the perfect relationship.  We've had our own share of "bumps," a lot actually but this one's really surprising because the decision to move out came all of a sudden.  I never had a hint that it will come to this.  However, I knew I had mistakes too.  The suggestion for him to move out came from me actually, although I didn't intentionally do so.  Part of it was because I feel that's what he wanted to do and I wasn't wrong about it.  The moment I said go home, he agreed.

Now, I don't have a way out.  I am so alone. :( It has been more difficult because I have to act like nothing's going on in front of my kids.  The past days have been really confusing and depressing.  I am so tired right now.  I just wish I could be better soon.

I lost my appetite for quite sometime now.  Food didn't appeal to me nor it taste right.  I dunno if it's right to lose weight this way but it's very effective.  I didn't totally stop eating, I still eat when I am very hungry though I really couldn't take much coz I feel like I wll vomit.

I never intended this to be my "motivation" to lose weight.  I have been struggling with my weight for a long time.  Although I know it's very effective, I'm not happy about it.  I intended to lose weight in the healthiest way possible.  I haven't looked at the scale but I think I lost a pretty good number.  Now, I am thinking of this weight loss as the first step to moving on, though I really don't want to think of that word right now. :(

Hormones.... My biggest obstacle...

Once a month there is a time when I am having hormonal imbalance due to my upcoming monthly period.  Some women will know it is almost their time of the month when they get pimples or painful breasts or abdomens.  In my case, I would know it is about to come when I am having unstopable cravings for "whatever."  I just can't stop eating!!!!  This is really terrible, it's killing me when I try to avoid food.  My mood is all over the place, it is just making me feel so terrible... I dunno how I can work it but it is really a tough time for me especially now that I'm trying to lose weight.

During this time, I can eat everything without feeling guilt or fullness.  I am just so hungry all the time!  I'm not sure if it's normal but my cousin (who happens to be my diet buddy now), said she also has this problem.  I haven't heard of anybody else having this trouble.  They would say it's better than having a hideous pimple but I say not, a pimple can heal so easily but the weight I will gain in a weeks time of hormone problem can't just go like that.  This is driving me crazy...

Today, I am able to do 700 skips which is so far my best number.  I can do only about 300 before.  I am hoping to be able to do more until I reach my goal of 2000 skips.  I am now able to avoid another bad food ISAW.  I tried to weigh last night but it seemed there was no improvement, I guess that was because of my unstoppable cravings which ruined my diet 2 weeks ago.  Eventhough I was able to do walkings and jump ropes occassionally, I was unsuccesful to lose weight. I feel so sad but hopeful.  I would try harder and hope to see some results soon enough.

 It's been a while since my last entry...

These days, I have been feeling good about my body since I am eating healthier foods.  I have been able to avoid eating my favorite V-cut potato chips, which I thought I couldn't do.  I am not a big fan of desserts except ice cream so I had a ice cream for two days in the past 2 weeks to satisfy my craving.  I have been seeing a lot of ice cream ads on TV and it's freakin' killing me!  I think I am being able to develop my self discipline when it comes to food these days.  I've had brown rice for 2 weeks, wheat bread, oatmeal, crackers and fruits.

There are still some BAD foods I couldn't avoid though... Isaw for example.  I love grilled food and I love the smell of isaw.  A couple of times in the past two weeks, I wasn't able to avoid it. :(  There are more days when I am able to avoid it, but I couldn't totally say no to it.  It's gonna be my target food to avoid in the next couple of weeks.  I know I can do it because I am able to avoid it when I am pregnant.  I just need to motivate myself some more.

From time to time, I am still able to exercise at least 20 minutes a day.  I am trying to think of more "sweaty" activity to do because I think my exercise is not enough.  I don't see much improvement with my body and it's already been a month.  I will buy a weighing scale soon.  Haven't gone to the mall for long.  I tried checking by using tape measure though.  I have lost an inch on my tummy and 1/2 on my arms.  I didn't know my original  thigh and hip measurement so I couldn't check that.  I wish to lose weight faster and look good on a wedding dress in the next couple of months

My husband and I went tot he supermart today to buy some groceries.  I decided to buy some healthy foods tomday like wheat bread and brown rice.  I had brown rice for lunch and dinner today. It was my first time to eat that and I was surprised it is no difference from white rice. There is some differences with texture but the taste is the same.  Another difference is the price... Of course brown rice is more expensive.. The one I bought was 56.00 a kilo... However, there is a cheaper brown rice in SM Hypermarket which is only 40.00 a kilo.  I am very happy I liked it and hoping that I can continue to eat it as a habit.

Actually I am having a hard time controlling my husband's diet.  I thought that his weight loss would depend on the food I prepare for him.  He is getting bigger and bigger.  He likes to eat and I do too.. Our bonding is eating... I decided to eat brown rice to minimize my husband's calorie intake...  I'm glad he liked it.  I made him try wheat bread before but he hated that...

Today I feel great because I don't think I ate much calories because of the brown rice.  Although I have not fully undertood it's effects, I am satisfied with my food intake today. I hope I can keep it up...

Monday:

Breakfast: Coffee

Lunch: 1 cup brown rice, chicken curry

Snack:  Skyflakes, Breas Stix, oatmeal

Dinner: 1 cup brown rice, BBQ, corn soup

The thing I hate most about exercise is the effect on my muscles.  I know it does a lot of good to me but it really hurts.  Just last weekend I bought a jumping rope for my daily exercise.  I did it first on Sunday for 30 minutes.  My legs were too painful the next day so I had to skip it and instead opt to a 40 minute walk with my son in a stroller the next day.

Yesterday, I triep to jump rope again but I only did it for 15 minutes.  I feel so frustrated because my body can do it but my legs are too painful.  I am afraid that I would have some problem walking if I force it.  Actually I have difficulties to walk because of that. especially after I just waking up in the morning.  I try to relieve it by massage.

Hopefully I can manage to get over this soon and get on with sweating.  I really couldn't avoid food neither regularly purchase the healthy ones so I badly need to sweat to lose weight.

Sunday: walking in the mall for 2 hours

Breakfast: Hotdog sandwich and 1 cup of coffee

Lunch: 1 pc KFC Chicken and half rice, coleslaw

Snack: 1 big pack of V-Cut, 1 apple mango

Dinner: Hotdog and 1 cup of rice

Monday: walking for 40 minutes

Breakfast: 2 Cups of 3 in1 coffee

Lunch: pork chop, 1 cup of rice

Snack: street food  isaw and scramble (huhu)

Dinner: None

Tuesday: Jumping rope for 15 minutes

Breakfast: Hotdog and 1 pc of monay, 2 cups of coffee

Lunch: Batchoy and 1 cup of rice

Snack: 1 Instant Mami with egg

Dinner: Batchoy and bread stix biscuit

Wednesday: arm exercise

Breakfast: 1 order palabok and lumpia toge, 1 cup of coffee

Lunch: Steamed tilapia and 1 cup of rice

Dinner: 1 pc monay ang hotdog, 1 cup of coffee